What's in my head

This is the home of your average girl in her early 30s making her way in the big city...Not really. I have thoughts. Now I have somewhere to put them.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Wall

Last night while attempting to complete an easy 7km run I hit the wall and it SUCKED. I have run before sans motivation or desire, I have run in less than ideal weather conditions, and I have run before when my body wasn't on board, but I have never experienced the mental state I did last night.

It appears with a month to go the training has become a mental thing. It makes sense, having tackled 16k running another 5.1 km to get to the half-marathon mark isn't about the physical act of running. Rationally speaking if one can physical cover 16k, well then what's an extra 5? But, the mental aspect of continuing to lace up my running shoes and put one foot in front of the other day after day is getting tough. Last night I actually wanted to sit down on the sidewalk and cry. Not for physical pain - though my knees hurt from the last session of the cursed hills the night before - but just cause. It's not that I couldn't do. I didn't want to do it.

I mean I really, really did not want to do it. And so I began to walk - at the pathetic 2k mark (and the 3k and the 4.5k and the 6k, etc. until I finally arrived home and torture was over.) I felt like I had a blister on my left foot and my earphones just weren't co-operating and I wanted to scream. At one point I felt tears welling in my eyes at the prospect of being so far from the comfort of my couch. And I haven't a clue why, other than to blame that mysterious wall.

Maybe this is why people train with groups or a friend. To have someone to tell them "you can do it" and to remind them of how far they'd come. I have people who encourage me and who tell me they're proud of me for what I'm doing and what I've accomplished, but the positive reinforcement seems to be few and far between. Or maybe it just felt that way last night. Maybe I really wasn't completely alone as I struggled to make it home last night. With four weeks and a day left to go I need to dig deep and find the mental strength to push aside the other voices and listen for the cheerleaders because I don't think I can do it alone.


  • At 3:27 PM , Blogger Flocons said...

    On race day, your physical side will want you to tap out at the 3/4 mark, but it's your mental side that pushes you past that final 1/4. YOU CAN DO IT!

    It's going to hurt like hell, but you will feel so awesome once you cross that finish line and they put a finisher medal on you!


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