A life unsent

I am an incredibly analytical person. I go over major life decisions again and again. Pros, cons, the what ifs, the whys. I am a thinker. And one of the things that sometimes fills my thoughts are conversations I wish I'd had or e-mails I compose, but never send. To friends about a disagreement, to ex-boyfriends about how they're an ass or how only something they can appreciate has happened. I do it in the shower, while I'm running or as I lie in bed at night unable to fall asleep.

I realize it is somewhat of a luxury that a significant amount of my thinking is devoted not to thoughts such as "how I am going to pay the rent" or "why did I get (insert horrible disease)", but it is an unwelcome trait nonetheless.

I never actually physically compose these e-mails. That would be too tempting. In a moment of weakness I would hit send and tell a good friend that she was being unreasonable or that I'm sorry if I upset her, but could she tell me why. Or I'd tell an ex-boyfriend that our relationship was one of my biggest mistakes. Dealing with consequences of those compositions and hitting send is not something I would like to replace my insomniatic thoughts.

But maybe I should write them down... Somewhere.